Saturday, May 2, 2009

My thoughts

Everything is so complicated. It sucks. I think the best and worst thing to have in life is a relationship with no name. You have no rights over the person but seem to give all the rights to them.
All the time I'm thinking what exactly do I mean to him? I know I'm more than just a fuck but how much more? I know it isn't love, for him. For me? It is complex.
I need to get over him but he doesnt let me. And he is pretty overt about that. He likes me being in love with him. There are so many weird thoughts in my head.
One train of thought says, I should let this takes it's course. It is me. I don't stay anywhere long if I'm not appreciated. But then, he has proved to have an effect on me that counters everything I thought about myself till now.
My second train of thoughts says I should just get over him and then resume whatever we CAN have. First priority is me. Then the entire friendship thing comes into play. I know I mean a lot to him. Maybe not as much as he means to me. But once he did say to me: Please never hurt me.
My brain keeps wondering if I'm just another voice on the phone. Kinda like phone sex. What the hell am I thinking? I need to get away from my thoughts. I just need to get away...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I'm a fool in love with a fool

Baby, how do I tell you how much it pains me to see you cry? To see you pine for her. She is not worth you, your tears, your love.
The person I once knew, full of jest and humour. The person I once loved and still do is changing slowly into someone I don't recognise. She is changing you. I fear losing you. I will never ever leave your side irrespective of what you change into. But baby, she isn't worth it.
It pains me to see you in pain. That to for a person who doesn't care. She doesn't love you as much as you, not even a little. She doesn't care for you as much as you do. Not even a little.
I hate to see you screwing your exams because of her. I hate to see you jeopardise your future. I promised you to support you in everything you do. But to see you self destruct kills me within. I want call her and tell her what she is doing to you. Does she even realise? Even care? When will you realise that you mean nothing to her?
When you hurt yourself, the cut hurts me too. I know I promised to support you but I can't support you in this. I'm sorry that I can't love the person you love.


I love flirting with danger. I hate doing things that are safe, that are mundane, that are routine. I want to go the top of the mountains and scream my lungs out. All my frustration, everything pent up just out there into the deep valleys.

Whenever I'm out there, nature is just a ploy to make me feel nice. I come back with a sore throat and a happy heart. Everything serene, unlike the things in my life. Everything so calm unlike the ripples of craziness in my life. Everything so stunning unlike the ugliness of my heart.

I escape to there, without a worry of my past. Of what I was. What matters is what I am. What I feel. Nothing more, nothing less. The burdens on my heart mean nothing. I just feel so nice. So me. So less me.

There is no better place to escape than in the lap of Nature. Mother Nature.

This is my first attempt at a prompt. This is attempted at 3WW. Though I have used the 3 words, the emotions are so true! :)



Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Here I'm and this is me!

Life isn't very easy, is it? It gets to you at times. And the people closest to you are the ones you can't tell everything to. You want to. But still there is always that fear of what they will think of you. The fact that people will judge me is my biggest fear. I have let myself go loose once and the after-effects of that were terrible. I ,as a matter of principle, have vowed never lose restrain and control. Never be dependent on anyone else. No drunk nights. Even if people think I'm prude.

Actually, I'm tired of being the bad girl. I wouldn't mind it if it were truly me. But it isnt. It was what I was a couple of months back. Now, I miss the sweet little me. Talk of casual sex and drinking escapades make me sick. It makes me want to disappear. Vanish into thin air. I want to go back to being Daddy's little girl.

Why am I ranting all this? Because, I can't be myself in my real life. Till the inner me and the outer me don't come together and become one coherent piece, I will talk about ME and my life, HERE. Ready for a rollercoaster ride?

Oh Btw, I'm Purple! Yeah, that is my favourite colour! Nice to meet you :)